Fast forward to 5 months, I’m still here trying to go back and put our memories on replay. The memories which once used to make me whole, the memories which I would run to, the ones that kept me safe from all my worries, from the unfamiliar monsters which would gnaw at my chest, taking away my whole being, making me into someone I was not.

     

     Everything was good, great even. I never knew one mistake could change everything. It was never supposed to end that way.

     We were never supposed to end that way.

     

     But like all movies, it has an end. Only for me to replay them over and over.

​

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     “60 days,” I said.

     60 days since the departing, the unknown— the unknown of thinking what my life would be like without you in it; without the laughs, your somewhat strange, but comforting gaze, the secret rendezvous, the late night calls, the conversations kept only between the two of us.

​

     “Can I still do this?”

​

     I tried almost everything to keep the memories from lingering in my mind. I wrote. I wrote until my pen bled inks of red, realizing the stitches were starting to part from the wounds that once used to be sewn shut. I cried. I cried until the tears from my eyes filled the tip of the glass and it came overflowing, that from a room that once used to be empty was now filled with the ocean from my eyes, from the ocean that started drowning me in my sorrow.

​

     “122 days,” I said.

     122 days since the last time, the last time I ever talked to you where promises fell from your mouth. I hoped you would keep them, but you never did.

​

     I saw you, not with your usual crowd of sweaty boys who just finished playing their normal routine of basketball, but instead, I saw you with a different crowd, the crowd you said you'd never go with. My heart sank.

​

     “It's funny how people turn out to be the person they said they'd never be,” I said to myself.

​

     “153 days,” I said.

     The day I knew that you found someone else.

​

     “I heard he’s found someone new.”

     “Really? Who?” I asked.

     “Some new girl.”

​

     My eyes clouded as tears started to well up in my eyes, but I covered it up with a smile.

​

     “I’m happy for him,” I said.

​

     I meant what I said. I was genuinely happy for you, but it hurt me to see you with someone else, someone who wasn’t me.

     You left me for someone who could make you happier, someone who could love you better and all I could do was apologize, and say that I was sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.

 

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     Fast forward to 5 months, I’m still here trying to go back and put our memories on replay. The memories which once used to make me whole, the memories which I would run to, the ones that kept me safe from all my worries, from the unfamiliar monsters which would gnaw at my chest, taking away my whole being, making me into someone I was not.

​

     And then I realized that I wasn't running away from unfamiliar monsters, I was running away from you. You were the monster. You left me in an irrecoverable state with all the broken promises you failed to keep instead of leaving with a proper goodbye that would help me get over from what used to be... us.

 

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     “186 days,” I said.

     My hand was trembling with a pen on my hand.

​

     I took a deep breath and said, “This is the last time.”

     This is the last time my pen will bleed inks of red writing about you— writing about how you broke my chest like it was glass, shattering to the ground; writing about the past—

about what used to be.

​

     That today I decided to close the chapter, thanking you for everything, for the good times and the bad, for being there despite the demons that tried to consume me, and for the three words that once used to mean something, now means nothing.  That even if it hurts, I have long accepted the fact that nothing lasts forever. And so, all I could do was wait, for the one that could make my heart beat twice as much as you once did,

—For the one who could… be.